Don’t Kiss It Goodbye

One of my girlfriends posted a blog on Facebook titled “27 Things You Must Say Goodbye To At 27.” I’m 31 and she is in her later 20’s.

We need a rebuttle to this list. It’s necessary.

Getting older of course means that there are certain things that you need to give up for various reasons. But you cannot give up life and some activities, hobbies, and clothes are timeless. Some people take getting older too seriously.

I for one have LOVED every minute of my 30’s thus far. It’s been amazing. I’ve been working on my health. I finally can say I’m in a healthy and fulfilling adult relationship. Being a parent is getting more fun. I’m enjoying way more rewarding relationships with my friends.

Life of course is changing, but there are things that I had in my 20’s that I’m not giving up and neither should you. Getting older doesn’t mean turning into a basic hag. It means maturing and finding new and exciting ways to live your life.

So without further delay, here is my response to this obscene failure of a life lesson.

1. Give up everything bagels
Fuck you. Fuck your breakfast habits. Everything bagels are everything. If you have an issue with the caloric intake, buy the bagel thins. I for one, have a bag of everything bagel thins sitting on my kitchen counter as we speak. They make fucking amazing turkey sandwiches with mustard.

2. Your birthday is only one day
I personally don’t do the birthday week (I did do a birthday weekend this past year), but if you want to celebrate your birthday for an entire week, I don’t care. It’s not my business. Hey. Sometimes I like doing shit and treating myself. Not anyone’s place to judge.

3. Stop taking vacations “just because”
I don’t know what made this chick think that travel is only for work, but I had a fucking blast in Chicago last summer for a week just chillin and taking in what the city had to offer. Like Giordano’s deep dish pizza, baseball, Stanley Cup hockey, museums, and the Navy Pier. Their public transportation is fab. I didn’t have to drive my kid anywhere, so mimosa’s with breakfast it was!

Who stops vacationing for pleasure? Are you fucking insane? Do my parents whom are in their 50’s have to cancel their 2 week long Florida vacation in September because they’ve aged out?

4. Stop ignoring babies
Okay, what kind of monster ignores babies in general? If you don’t want to go to babyshowers or be involved in the lives of your friends because they started having kids, then shut up and don’t waste their time. They’ll be better off without you since turning 27 apparently is when you have to start liking children. If you cannot handle “being a bad friend” for not participating in these life changing events, then surround yourself with people who wish to remain childless.

5. Clubbing all night and paying for it the next day
Some people are forever young. Whatever. Dance on, bitches. Dance. On.

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6. Stop shopping at Forever 21
They have a maternity line. End of story.

7. Stop shopping at H&M
I’ll wear whatever I God damn please.

8. Stop shopping at Urban Outfitters
I don’t shop here, but I won’t judge you if you do as long as you don’t judge the fact that like 75% of my wardrobe is from Target and the other 25% is from White House Black Market outlet.

9. Stop wearing hair accessories
I like flowers in my hair. Shut your whore mouth and I hope you go bald.

10. Give up rainbow sandals
NEVER!!!!

11.  Give up dreams of law school
Yes. Give up all of your hopes and dreams. Make sure that you NEVER achieve anything because of your age. I didn’t graduate with my bachelor’s degree until I was 28. Shit happens. Your age does not dictate your future success. If it takes until you are 32 to get to law school, then so be it.

12. Stop wearing white dresses
I have three of them. Just because I’m not a bride, doesn’t mean I can’t look smokin in a nice, fun, summery dress that will make my tan look even more on point.

If any of you want to wear white to my bridal shower, I don’t give a fuck.

Communist.

bplease

13. Midnight movie showings
If I want to see Transformers at midnight and get up and go to work at 5:00am, I will. It doesn’t stop me from staying up on a work night until 3:00am watching That 70’s Show on Netflix.

God invented espresso because he knew one day Netflix would be a thing. Use that gift.

14. Don’t explore your options.
I changed careers entirely at 29. Worked out well.

15. Have a hobby
If your hobby is painting your nails halfway into a bottle of Sangria, I salute you. You don’t need to have a hobby to impress other people. Having a hobby is for personal enjoyment. I personally enjoy my quiet time. I don’t have a hobby to speak of (other than I guess this blog). But I’m enjoying life and I don’t answer to anyone about it. I’ve never been at a party and not enjoyed myself because I couldn’t talk about my extensive 5K running career or art classes.

16. Throw out old bathing suits
I mean you should get new bathing suits, but if I’m laying in my yard or on my deck and you don’t like what I have on, go to someone else’s yard and get out of my fucking face.

17. Stop listening to boy bands
If N*SYNC gets back together, I would cancel my own wedding if the tour date fell on the same day. Bank on it. (Hun, if you’re reading this, you knew what you were getting into when you met me.) My Justin Timberlake love is real.

elaine-dance

 

18. Never cancel plans
Shit happens. Sometimes I have to reschedule with you because my kid is sick or has something going on or something that is a bigger priority comes up. Life happens. I’ll make it up to you.

19. Don’t fight with your mom
Why? It’s healthy to clear the air. Sometimes we don’t agree. Whatever. Five minutes later it’s like the argument never happened.

20. Don’t watch MTV
Three months ago, I watched every season of Daria on Amazon Prime.

21. Don’t hold grudges against exes
I have a MAJOR grudge against an ex. Work passed stuff in a healthy manner, but it’s totally okay to hate someone until they die. Some people deserve it. Just don’t let it interfere with your future happiness.

22. You must shower every day
I typically do, but come on. Sometimes you can skip a day. If you worked out, please shower. But if you wake up and look okay, freshen up and be on your way. And sometimes I wake up  late and I’m in a hurry. You can make up the hours at work for me while I shower.

23. No more themed parties
My 30th and 31st birthdays were themed parties. And they were fucking fabulous. At 30 I had a casino night and at 31 we watched hockey and I had all tailgate and concession stand foods.

Don’t go to Christmas parties anymore, either. It’s a theme. You’re in direct violation of the moral obligations of a 27 year old’s life.

24. You must watch the news
Is it important to stay informed? Yeah. But that doesn’t mean you have to watch the news. Most of the news is shit, spin, and lies anyway.

25. Checking a guy’s finger
Not every guy wears a wedding band, and some people are shitheads and won’t wear one on purpose. That move means nothing, and doesn’t account for guys with girlfriends or who are engaged.

26. No more Facebook albums
I’m sorry, you can age out of making a album on Facebook? I hope Zuckerberg is finding some type of system control to make sure that you can’t post an album after your 27th birthday.

If I want to post an entire album of my dog photobombing people, I will…and I did. So suck it.

RIP Louie. The world will never know a better photobomber than you.

RIP Louie. The world will never know a better photobomber than you.

27. You must work out every day
Fuck you. I enjoy working out, but if I skip a day, what is it to you?

Your age does not control your life and does not mean that you have to stop enjoying the things you have always loved.

If you touch my everything bagel, I will fucking cut you.

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2 thoughts on “Don’t Kiss It Goodbye

  1. Since I am breathing on my mid THIRTIES I feel socially obligated to comment on the original list of nonsense and also on your comments, ’cause that’s how we get down. Please let me preface this retort by saying that whatever you were on when you wrote this is exactly what you need to be on when you write your book. I imagine it is some crafty mix of Diet Coke and Sunshine, but you are F’ng hilarious. And I know if you don’t give a F what I have to say, you won’t waste 3 minutes of your valuable time reading this.

    1. Yes, my metabolism has slowed down since crossing into my 30s. Yes, I still eat what I want to knowing I will have to work harder to not gain weight or to accept this fact. I am not a big fan of everything bagels, but a grown ass woman can eat what she wants.

    2. I take as long as I want to celebrate my birthday and people can join in the fun or not. My BFF’s family owns a bar that almost always has a Christmas party the weekend of my birthday. My “second mom” buys a big ass sheet cake. 150 people, most of whom I don’t know, sing to me (not to Jesus) then we all do a shot. I also get a dinner night with friends and at least one family event. Screw the haters who don’t like cake, shots and fun.

    3. The writer of this list is an assclown.
    4. Seriously – an assclown. The point of the RSVP is to go or not go. If someone is having a wedding somewhere awesome, I am IN. If you want to get married on Mount Everest and the flight is $4K, Mazel Tov, but I respectfully decline. Also, a lot of people get really overzealous about bridal and baby showers. Just RSVP No. Don’t lie so they get pissed when you are checked in elsewhere on Facebook. JUST SAY NO. There is no obligation to go to the shower of your friend or cousin that you only see at another cousin’s wedding or baby shower. After about 5 years of “I cant believe I got her that awesome gift and I haven’t met the kid (who is now 3) yet” you realize that it is about quality not quantity. Quantity burns out the wallet and the enthusiasm. There is no obligation to participate. Quite frankly, if the day comes where I get to register for presents and have a party, I would much rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies in love, support and gifts.

    5. I still go out and shake it. I still hate hangovers. This is a universal constant. Kristen Lee lost her lust for life somewhere after 27. Sad puppy.

    6, 7, 8 & 10 – I never shopped at any of these places but wear what you want, provided the clothes actually fit. Fit and go on are not the same.

    9. I also like flowers in my hair.

    11 & 14. This is just plain Stupid advice. Be miserable forever. What the actual Fuck?

    13 – I need sleep, but that’s just me.

    15. Is floating on the pool a hobby? Ok – I’m Good.

    16. I planted 10 flats of flowers on Memorial day weekend, but at least I don’t have tan lines.

    17. I saw JT in December. My toes curl just thinking about it. We must discuss a leisure trip violating #3 to see him ASAP!

    18. Sometimes I am just cranky. Be happy that I DID cancel.

    19. Then I will never be speaking to mom again…

    20. If they still played videos, I would still watch MTV every day.

    21. NEVER FORGET. That is how you keep repeating the same mistakes. Idiot.

    22. I work in an office with only 2 other people and we all have our own private offices. If I showered before bed I am good. Sometimes the extra 20 minutes of sleep is more important.

    23. It’s my party and I’ll make it whatever Fucking theme I want to! If you don’t like it – don’t come to my party.

    24. Why must I? I don’t like politics. Crime is depressing and I have a weather App on my phone. So why MUST I?

    25. Seriously, did that girl just hatch?

    26. Am I some medical miracle for living past 27, cause apparently that is when life stopped for this girl. And guess what, FB is cloud storage for my everything so I’ll post what I want and if you don’t like it there is a neat little button called “hide all” or the more extreme “restrict” or “block”. I do this to people who post fiftygazillion pics of their newborn babies. Yes, I really do.

    27. Working out does not suck for me. Amen to you on that.

    This chick seriously needs to check herself.

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