I’m starting to find that maybe this whole “getting closure” thing is overrated at times.
When a relationship ends, we always have this incessant need to know why. Not even just with romantic relationships. We sometimes feel the need to get closure with family members, friends, or even situations.
How often does “closure” end in disappointment though? I mean, we’ve all sought out closure. I did two boyfriends ago and never got it. Ya know what? It didn’t make the situation any different. I picked up the pieces and moved on and life got actually better.
The truth of the matter is, that the reason isn’t always a game changer, and secretly when we’re seeking closure, we’re actually seeking a glimmer of hope that we can reclaim a piece of our life that is gone.
You can’t always get something or someone back no matter how bad you want it. And you shouldn’t. Why do we perpetually crave to be loved by someone who doesn’t have us in their hearts? You cannot force someone to feel for you the way you do them. Love happens naturally and on it’s own accord. There are no guidelines or time tables for it.
Finding reasons why and then trying to counter argue will not change the fact that it’s over and you most likely will not convince the other person to change their mind. It’s hard to make a compelling argument to someone who in their heart and mind is just done.
Would it make you feel better to know all of the things about you that made you not right for this person? It’s a recipe for disaster. You’ll sit around hating yourself for all the things you now perceive as character flaws and beating yourself up for not changing or trying harder or seeing the signs or showing your value. It’s unncessary and undue self-loathing. (Unless you are actually a complete horse’s ass and undateable in general.)
Are there lessons you could potentially learn to be better in future relationships? Yes. Christ, there are lessons you could learn now to improve your current relationship. We can all stand to be better at something. But is that really what you’re going to hear no matter how kindly this person lets you down? Probably not. Just irrational outrage, woe-is-me, and flinging poo.
I’ve said a million times on this blog that being the wrong match for a person doesn’t make you wrong. It doesn’t mean something is terribly wrong with you that you’ll never find love. There are millions of people on this planet that aren’t right for you and you know you have a running list of reasons why.
Why are you exempt from not being what another person is looking for?
You don’t need answers that likely won’t change a thing. You’re just prolonging your pain when you should be concentrating on getting your life in order.
Take time to be sad. Don’t hold your feelings in. But when you get the urge to chase someone who doesn’t want to be chased, sit your ass down and do the opposite of that impulse.
If they are “secretly waiting” for you to chase them, fuck them. You’re too old and too good for games.
Accept that sometimes life isn’t going to go your way and focus on what you can control. Someone else’s feelings or actions are not on that list.
The hurt will eventually subside, but only if you don’t hold onto it.