Yesterday I wrote about how you have to accept that your significant other has exes (in most situations).
But there is a flip side to that because some people seriously are obsessed with their ex. Perhaps they aren’t over them.
Do we ever really get over anyone though? I mean, for real. People leave an impression on you, whether positive, negative, or just a feeling of indifference. When someone is in your life for an extended time, especially in a romantic way, they’re going to leave a permanent mark. Sometimes literally. (Bet you wish you could get those matched tattoos removed, huh?)
I think we move passed people, but we don’t necessarily get “over” them. And we probably shouldn’t. There’s a lesson there, like with every other thing I write about. Yeah, this blog is “Life Lessons According to a 31 Year Old Lunatic.” I’m qualified.
Some people though just refuse to let go. I don’t know if they are clinging to lost love out of fear or just don’t know how to accept that things went wrong.
I’ve been in that situation once. It was my infamous abusive relationship, so there was a lot of fucked up emotional attachment there. I’m clearly still not over the trauma from that. (Getting better all the time though! I’ll write about the healing process eventually.) But that’s pretty textbook in those situations because you’re so fucking dependent upon that person because your self worth is just in the basement. This one person is all you feel you can ever have.
But outside of those situations, why do we cling? Since that relationship, I’ve been in total severe ties mode. Get the fuck out and move on with your life. That shit is over for a reason and nothing else that happens in that person’s life matters anymore. What happens in my life matters.
I mean, was the D (or the V if that is your preference) that good that you have to constantly call and text your ex-boyfriend to find out how his life is? Is it that hard to accept that shit wasn’t right for one or both of you that you have to Facebook stalk them, secretly hoping every single day that it will be the day that you find out they have someone new in their life so you can pitch an epic fit over it? “How dare you move on! How dare you!”
If you don’t share children, cut them out. Especially if you have a new person in your life. These ridiculous texts and calls and “running” into them in public (well imagine running into you, here, outside of your job!) is just fucking nonsense. I’ve done that shit. It’s embarrassing. Like I said, granted it was an extremely fucked up situation, but even still, I feel nothing but shame about how strongly I clung to that person in our on-again-off-again debacles over a four year span. It was fucking disgusting.
You don’t need to know if they are okay. You don’t need to know what is new in their life. You don’t need to say hi “just because.” You don’t need to be friends. You’re not trying to be friends. You’re trying to prove your worth to get them back. (Or completely destroy your current relationship.)
If you are in a committed relationship, you don’t need to talk to your ex. You’re not being fair to the person you are with by dwelling on the what ifs of the past. You are on a road to self-destruction by letting your ex control your future. Think about every time you’ve thought, “this person isn’t my ex.” And I don’t mean literal. I’m talking the, “they’ll never compare” thoughts.
It’s important to find out the qualities that you love in a person that you want to have in your future, but seriously. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Obsessing over them isn’t bringing that relationship back. It isn’t improving your current relationship. It isn’t helping your future relationship(s).
If you have a friend who does is obsessed with their ex, do them a solid and don’t feed them bullshit about how you might just need time apart and absence makes the heart grow fonder. You know deep down when some shit isn’t healthy or the relationship just wasn’t right. But even from what you see on the surface, it cannot tell you what was in the other person’s heart or what they want.
Just help your friend move on and do some damage control. Don’t let them call. Don’t let them do drive-bys. Don’t help them plan trips to magically show up at the same bar as their ex and make a fool out of themselves trying to look sexy and make them jealous. Don’t be a bad friend!!!
Drop it. You’re only prolonging your pain or selfishly trying to get sympathy from everyone around you.
Spoiler alert: We stopped feeling sorry for you.