How to be an asshole wife

Yesterday I was looking at my favorite disaster (Tumblr) and I ran across this in my travels:

sticker chart

The women who posted it were praising the idea.

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We need to talk. This isn’t cute. This isn’t funny. This is the mark of a true asshole.

This rant has a few segments. First we’ll examine how you arrive at this point in your relationship. Second, we’ll look at the items on this list and why they are fucking stupid and you’re an asshole for even going there.

Part 1:
Let’s begin with everything that is wrong with this little experiment. There are one of two routes that lead you to this pathetic point in your sham of a relationship. The first is that you married a toddler. The second is that you are such a nagging bitch that you’ve pushed your husband to the point of useless.

Speaking from experience, I almost married a toddler. I never went the sticker route though. I told him flat out, “If you don’t start helping me around the house and helping me with the baby, I am going to leave. I cannot do this on my own.”

Guess what? I can do this on my own and I am doing this on my own because he didn’t want to be a man and do the shit he is supposed to do.

Going back to my post about online couples- stop praising your husband or wife for doing shit they are supposed to do. You can and should be appreciative of a relationship that functions as a partnership where you are both active parties to household, career, and family responsibilities. But to say that your husband is the best because he put the kids on the school bus is fucking horseshit. Your husband isn’t special for walking the kids to the bus stop just like I’m not special for putting my kid on the school bus. You can be appreciative of the sharing of responsibilities and grateful that you found someone that is cool with acting like an adult, but let’s not go to the end of he’s doing something above and beyond the call of duty.

If your husband needs a sticker chart with ridiculous rewards to take care of his kids, you married the wrong man and shame on you for stooping to the level of running a day care  that includes a 6 foot tall 2 year old who can’t go potty without you wiping his ass.

If we further examine this chart though, this woman claims she will stop “nagging” for a week if he completes a task “x” amount of times.

Really look at the tasks and rewards. This woman is a regular nag. There is a chance here that she drove her husband to “Idontgiveafuckville” and dropped him off.

There is a difference between asking someone to do something and nagging. You know what the difference is and you know that there is a way to talk to someone and they hear you and a way to talk to someone and they want you to shut your dick trap because you’re being flat out rude. Kill the attitude and work on the communication.

If you need a sticker chart, your relationship is deeply troubled and you need to get to the root of the problem and be prepared to find out that you might just be an asshole wife. This isn’t a certainty, but it might be at least part of the reason that you arrived at waving blow jobs in your husband’s face.

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Part 2:

The rewards on this chart aren’t even worth his effort.

1. 12 pack of his favorite beer– He can buy this on his own without having to succumb to your embarrassing and degrading sticker chart. And if you are going to give your husband a sticker chart, get some fucking Spiderman stickers. You used princess stickers. Lame as fuck.

2. No nagging for a week- How about stop nagging and find a way to have healthy communication with your partner.

You see, asshole, communication is that thing where one of you speaks and the other actively listens and pays attention, and then that person responds and YOU actively listen and pay attention. Why don’t you guys practice that for awhile and practice being kind and patient with each other and using basic manners like “please” and “thank you?”

3. Naked hula dance- Seriously? I’m moving on.

4. I won’t donate your pit stained shirt– Why are you donating some disgusting, sweaty shirt? And moreover, why do you care? As long as he isn’t wearing it out to a nice restaurant, let him wear the fucking thing around the house. And don’t ever complain if he suggests something you should or should not wear. Trust me. You own something he hates.

5. Get out of the doghouse free card– Maybe this goes back to nagging? People make mistakes and over the course of your relationship you’re gonna get on each other’s nerves. You’re going to need some time to yourself. You’re going to want to put a tv remote through a wall. You’re going to disagree. You’re going to forget the date of some event. You’re going to be late. Guess what? Shit happens. Life happens.

It’s okay to be mad and it’s okay to be disappointed, but how you handle those situations will define your relationship. So you can talk about it and move on or hold it over their heads and bring up old shit in fights that have nothing to do with what happened in the past just because you don’t understand how to make an argument in the moment about what is happening. If you’re bringing up old shit, consider the fight lost and your point nonexistant.

Forgive and be patient and understand that most things aren’t the end of the world and aren’t even worth being mad about.

6. Don’t have to go to annoying kids birthday party– Can he get out of going to your annoying birthday party? Maybe you guys take turns like normal people?

7. Blow job– Why aren’t you already giving your husband blow jobs? I’m sorry, did sex and foreplay end when you took your vows?

Wanna know why people cheat? Because they can’t get a God damned blow job from someone without having to earn stickers for doing every day shit that they should be doing anyway.

Sex and intimacy are an important part of a relationship. They just are. Get over it. You both have primal and instinctual needs. If you’re holding sex over your husband’s head to get what you want, then there is something fundamentally wrong with how you conduct yourself in a relationship…or there is something weird about your husband’s cock. I mean either way, but you knew this going in.

Now I’m going to take this a step further.

How would you feel to come home and this is hanging on the fridge:

sticker chart 2

Stings, doesn’t it ladies?

**DISCLAIMER** Not all women hate X-Box and sports. I’m just making a point.

The point is, if your husband made a sticker chart for you as a means of getting his way, then he’s an asshole for all of the above reasons as well. Either way, if this is your method of trying to achieve change, it isn’t going to work and you’re a dickwad for even using up your kid’s markers and stickers to do this.

Also, what are you teaching your children about relationships? That bribery is how to get your way? That shaming your partner will win you fights? That compromise isn’t the way to go if you can find a more juvenile way to make a point?

Grow up ladies. You took the vows and so did he. If you can’t treat this like a partnership, then you don’t deserve a partner.

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6 thoughts on “How to be an asshole wife

  1. Yeah…. you probably spent more time on this uselss response than she did on that chart. If my wife did this for me, i’d probably do the exact same thing that he did and fill up that bottom line, even though i get blow jobs on the reg as it is. But, blow jobs are like potato chips, you can never get enough and you inspect each one thoroughly.

  2. This response to that picture sounds as though there’s something personal behind it. And, if you think this is bribery, its not. Its just finding what motivates someone and doing it. It’s domestic capitalism at its finest. If you don’t like it, you should definitely check out this place called Cuba. And/or Soviet Russia.

    • Nothing personal at all. And when I write, I exaggerate because I’m somewhat satirical. I go over the top to prove a point. It’s my writing style. You’re not supposed to take me 100% seriously.

      But this is my opinion and you don’t have to agree. Beauty of freedom. Thanks for reading.

  3. This is simply fantastic. It was well written, funny, and easy to read. I fully agree with all of your points. I am now following you on twitter. Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

  4. This is fantastic. Joke or not, chat or not, I know TOO MANY ladies who act like this. It’s pathetic. I can’t believe there are asshats out there defending it. Thanks for making me laugh.

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