I have friends who are the absolute cutest couples in the world. They just make sense.
One of my girlfriends and her boyfriend are a great example. They are hilarious. They are best friends. You enjoy being around them together as much as you do apart. They didn’t become the same person just because they are together. They’re cute without it being obnoxious and overbearing.
But some couples make you want to vomit up your breakfast. Their social media interactions are above and beyond the call of duty. DO NOT BE THIS COUPLE! You all KNOW this couple. You probably HATED this couple before you morphed into this blob of hugs and kisses all over the internet. You both used to be awesome and now you’re on everyone’s hate list. They are counting down the days until they can move from simply muting or blocking your time line to getting rid of you all together.
I have been pushed. I have un-friended. If you’re reading this somehow and I unfriended you, please know that it was not because I hate you specifically. I just don’t give a fuck how amazing your husband is day in and day out. You’re in love and I’m happy for you, but maybe tell your hubs directly to his face every now and again instead of plastering billboards of love across the web. You left a trail a mile long of slobber and tears of happiness and now my keyboard is covered in your love juices. It’s gross.
Every day when I log into FB to get into everybody’s business that went down while I was asleep I do not wish to be greeted with 15 posts about how amazing your significant other is and 35 selfies where the comments are all a conversation between the two of you. YOU ARE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!!!!
Here are some good rules for not losing all of your friends on social media because you have decided to be the most annoying “it couple” on your side of the hemisphere.
1. Keep the photos to a minimum: If you went out somewhere and took some cute photos, post them. An occassional selfie is great. But daily or hourly updates on how you are spending your time together is too much. We don’t want to see it. Please know that nobody on this planet thinks that the two of you are as cute as the two of you do. You’re number one on the fan list of yourselves.
And stop posting photos of you guys making out.
2. It’s okay for you to text each other: There is nothing wrong with the two of you texting each other “good morning” and “I love you” and “Pick me up tampons on your way home from work.” For Pete’s sake, I’ve seen couples discuss picking their kids up from day care via Twitter. PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE. I can state with absolute 100% certainty that your hundreds of followers do not need to know which one of you is picking up the kids and who is starting dinner.
The persistent banter back and forth professing your love does not make your love stronger and does not prove anything to the other person. Mostly it makes the rest of us think that you are trying too hard and we’re all anxiously awaiting what looks to be an almost guaranteed public blow up when this relationship fizzles out.
3. Keep the bragging at bay: No one likes a bragger or a one upper, and posting the progress of your Valentine’s Day flowers makes me want to shove the whole bouquet square up your coochie. (She was already removed from friends months ago after I had to hear 15 times a day how much she loves her “hunnay” and how lucky she is to make dinner with him and watch him masturbate to photos of Betty White while she gave him a reach around during dessert. That may not be accurate…my memory…)
The point is, it’s okay to say something that your significant other did that was nice for you sometimes. That is perfectly acceptable. But just because he made you toast this morning while you were in the shower, you don’t have to act like he cured world hunger. He made you a fucking piece of toast. You’ve already shit it out. It’s done and over with. Move on with your life.
4. Don’t throw it in my face that I post a lot of pics of my son on FB and Twitter: It’s not the same thing. My son is cute and funny and no one wants to murder his face.
If you hate pics of my son, you’re probably a Nazi and no one likes you.
5. Stop with the cutesy nicknames: You’re both acting like pussies. There. That is a nickname for you to share since you share everything else.
Don’t be this couple. Or stop being this couple. Or get unfriended. I don’t care. Either way, I’m going to to my best to remove you from my line of vision. it doesn’t mean that I want you to be miserable. It doesn’t mean that I’m jealous or that I’m not happy for you. It means that you are nauseating and you used to be normal. Go back to being yourself, just you with someone to share your life with. Because the two headed couple monster just extracted cheeseburger from my esophagus. My body needed the nutrients. You robbed me.