Some items are just terrible to have to purchase. When you’re standing at the check out line, you are attempting to conceal the items and looking around to see if anyone you know is in the general area. Over the course of my life, I have come up with a list of items that are personally terrifying to purchase.
My God, is buying condoms terrible. Yes, I suck it up and purchase them because I feel that it is something that I should share responsibility in buying. But actually going into the store and purchasing them is awful.
Not much in life embarrasses me, but condoms are a clear indicator that I’m having sex and what I am doing that day is not the business of the other people in line or the person behind the counter.
This is on top of the fact that I look at the selection like I’m staring at a math problem. No idea what is going on. Too many options and unsure of sizes. I don’t want to get something too small but I don’t want to be insulting either. (I’m a really poor judge of size in general. I couldn’t tell you if your penis was 4 inches or 6. I try to be nice and just judge based on performance anyway.)
But anyway, buying condoms is a pain in the ass and I don’t like feeling like everyone around me is looking at me like I’m a whore. Hey, even if I were, at least I’m practicing safe sex.
I told a friend about my anxiety buying condoms a few days ago. He is perfectly fine buying them because at least it means he is getting laid and has someone. Fair enough. I suppose I could look at it that way, but unfortunately, I’m just more met with this overwhelming feeling like the box is the size of a football field and everyone in the store is staring at me like I’m walking around with my tits hanging out.
Oh yeah, because I want everyone around me to know this bullshit deal is going on between my legs. This might be worse than the condoms. At least for that I enjoy what is going on between my legs. And it’s voluntary.
Once again, same male friend actually doesn’t mind buying them for a girlfriend. Because it means he has one. I should have him buy all of my tampons going forward. If you’re reading this, come on. Be a pal. I’ll drop off coupons.
On the other hand, if the world went to shit like in the show Revolution, I’d loot the hell out of tampons. Maaaaan… a box of Tampax Pearl would probably be valuable enough in barter to get me a nice crossbow.
3. Pregnancy Tests
Buying a pregnancy test is a covert operation. Please do not take what I am about to say out of context and run wild with it. The last time I had to buy one was awful. (I have a kid, we know I’ve had to take a pregnancy test!) Anyway, when I was in line at the store, I had to hide that stupid box as best I could, holding it against the side of my body between my leg and my arm. Why? Well of course a higher up at work was in line with me. Son. Of. A. Bitch.
Know what was fun though? Buying a prego test with a friend. I was at the grocery store with a girlfriend and she needed to purchase one. We couldn’t find the damn thing anywhere. Usually you find them ironically enough, with the condoms or at least in the same aisle as tampons and other women’s health items. They were nowhere to be found. (Some stores put them behind the pharmacy counter. Not sure why.)
So I go up to the check out line and ask the lady where they are hiding the pregnancy tests. Everyone’s head almost fell off when they whipped around to look at me. I didn’t feel embarrassed though. I just laughed and said “It’s not for me. Shut up!” and walked away. Amazing how different the experience is when it isn’t for you!
Added story: I’ve called the number on the box for a friend before. The line was very faint. Nothing more awkward than calling the company that makes the pregnancy test and asking them if they are sure it is positive even if the line is very very light.
4. Sex Toys
Okay, I have never actually purchased sex toys, but the mere thought of it has me sweating. First, there is my fear of inserting foreign objects into my body even if it is for my pleasure, coupled with the aforementioned condom issue: what the fuck do I even buy? This type of purchase must be handled with care and research, including testimonials, preferably from close friends. I don’t trust what I read online, which means I would have to just start polling my girlfriends, which just leads to a whole lot of conversations that could take a turn for the worse. There are some things that friends just don’t need to know about each other.
Ever been to a Pure Romance party? All fun and games until you are listening to women you hardly know talk about their favorite types of vibrators and the depraved shit they let their boyfriends do to them. Dear, God.
I asked my same friend if I hypothetically ordered a vibrator on the internet and could I ship it to his house. He said he wasn’t wild about the idea. My response? “See? That’s how I feel when I have to buy condoms.”
Which is also how I feel if I have to buy any of these other products, so I lose either way.
There are plenty of other horrid things to buy, but these top my list. Feel free to leave others in the comments section!