I’m Sooooo Wasted!

By Rachel

We are entering what is arguably the biggest drinking season of the year. Halloween parties, Thanksgiving Eve, Christmas, and New Years are upon us. I think we all know the “I’m sooooo wasted!” girl. She comes in two forms.

The first form of “I’m sooooo wasted!” girl is the girl who is actually completely blitzed. She is normally acting like a complete ass and embarrassing her friends, whom are all capable of holding their liquor, or one of a mess of drunk girls. She is loud and stumbling around in her stilettos, clothes falling off, and laughing like a hyena. When it’s the solo girl in your group who is consistently “sooooo wasted you guys!”, she starts to become a social liability, especially when you start approaching your 30s.

“I’m sooooo wasted” girl in her original form also likes to get drunk and cry over everything that has ever happened to her. Nine times out of ten, she is crying over an ex. Take her phone off of her unless you want to spend the whole night listening to her obsessively texting and calling this gentleman. In this scenario, she is also going to be prone to shamelessly throwing herself at the most disgusting guys on the food chain and tell them about said ex and about how hot she is and what a loser he is.

“I’m so hot! Look at me! Who wouldn’t want this! I gave him everything and did everything for him! I just want to be appreciated! You should be my boyfriend!” as she jams her tongue in his mouth.

Example in practice:

I was at my best friend’s wedding. I was in the wedding party. Another bridesmaid had just recently gone through a breakup with one of the most repulsive guys I’ve ever met. In fact, I am partially to blame for this train wreck (result of another night where she played the role of “I’m sooooo wasted!” girl). I kind of threw her at him to get him and her away from me. (snickering) The ironic part of that night was that my long term boyfriend and I had called it quits literally 15 minutes before I departed for the bar. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to act like that over him and that I was going to enjoy my night and cry over him later (which I did).

So a year and a half later, she and this dildo we met at the bar break-up. The bartender at the wedding was bald and missing teeth. She is trashed and pulling the move above (Who wouldn’t want me?!?!). *Face palm*

Being the nice person that I can be, I decide it’s my responsibility to make sure she doesn’t go home with this dude and talk to my date and tell him we have to get her home safely. She goes to the bar with us after and instead of spending my night trying to seal it with my date, I’m chasing her around the bar because she is throwing herself at guys who are their with their girlfriends. Thanks, bitch. I haven’t been out with that guy since.

The second form of “I’m sooooo wasted” girl is the girl who actually isn’t drunk, but is pretending to be drunk so that she can excuse her actions. This girl has one beer and a kamikazee and starts stumbling and slurring her speech and telling everyone about her drunk she is. She really needs to drive it home that she is drunk because if not, her actions are no longer excusable. She also is going to hang all over guys, be loud and obnoxious, and say inappropriate things to everyone. She is probably even more embarrassing than the real drunk girl because it is hard to stay in character all night. This bitch is going to deliberately hang all over the guy you’re into (or dating) in an effort to up her confidence.

The fake wasted girl is normally either extremely socially awkward or just a pretty girl with some serious self-esteem issues. The illusion of being drunk helps them act in a way that they believe guys like, when really they aren’t doing themselves any favors, while simultaneously embarrassing you horribly.

My favorite way of putting an end to this bullshit is to either abandon them or call them out in such a way that is going to piss them off. For example, fake wasted girl is hanging all over your man? No problem. Just ask her why she doesn’t just hop on his dick right there. She will pretend to be appalled, but she knows full well what game she is playing and she knows that she is caught.

Look ladies, being plastered from time to time is perfectly okay. It happens. Sometimes you just kinda lose track. But being a persistent  little train wreck that causes your friends nothing but misery because you are acting like a complete twat or being the girl that everyone is laughing AT and not WITH, is unacceptable and it doesn’t make you more desirable. It makes you a target.

This is all on top of the fact of why are you getting drunk as an excuse to do depraved things and say things that make you look like a bitch? If that’s how you want to be, then just be that person all of the time and wear it proud. I’d at least respect you if I knew you were just a bitch. Hell, I might even like you for it!

Pretending to be drunk to get attention is just flat out pathetic. Like I said, if you want to do shitty things to your friends or do things you “normally wouldn’t do”, just own it and live it. Don’t pretend that you’re under the influence because you actually do want to go home with the toothless guy.


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