Unfortunately, sometimes when you are trying to give advice to others, what you say is either misinterpreted or taken as a green light to justify bad behavior.
I’ve written about some extremely adult and intimate topics over the course of the past six months, many of which are difficult to talk about even with a person whom you’ve shared intimate relations with for an extended period of time. Before I dive into this blog entry, I’d like to take an opportunity to clarify a few things before dove tailing into today’s topic.
With regard to my blog on women being more open to porn and also my blog about engaging in more dirty and erotic sex acts, there is a healthy way to do these things. First of all, the person in the relationship who is already engaging in such activities or has experience must have a healthy relationship with these acts.
Not everyone who watches porn or is more exploratory with regard to their sexuality does so in a healthy and safe manner. A person whom watches excessive amounts of porn and uses it as an escape from their own insecurities and the stresses of their everyday life should NOT try and persuade their partner to join them in these activities.
Watching porn is fine. But blocking out your problems with it means that you have deeper issues and this is your coping method. When your coping method inhibits your ability to communicate with your lover and disrupts the normal ebbs and flows of a relationship, you have a problem. Porn may not be your problem, but it is the solution you have chosen to help you ignore whatever issues are plaguing you.
The same goes with more controversial sexual activities. When you substitute sex and depraved acts for dealing with your issues head on, this is not healthy for you or your partner and is only preventing you from finding a way to get your head right and to understand why you are experiencing certain feelings.
Also, when you are in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t be having lewd conversations with your friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if that is your sexual preference). These things are delicate and just because you can talk about taboo subjects with your best friend normally, there comes a point where some of those conversations are no longer appropriate given your life circumstances depending on how you are handling to subject. It is one thing to exchange stories or ask questions or for advice, it is quite another to sext or cyber with a friend, even jokingly when you have a significant other.
Additionally, you cannot use these habits to justify hurting your loved ones. What you deem as harmless behavior because it suits your needs and lifestyle has consequences, especially when another party is involved.
So now, let’s discuss today’s subject, which is how to cheat without touching another person.
Being unfaithful to a lover comes in many forms. While you may not be physically unfaithful, you can cheat mentally and with other acts.
There are a few basic rules that you should keep in mind when you are doing something that you think isn’t a big deal, but is a big deal to your partner.
- Are you actively hiding your actions?
- Do you do these acts behind closed doors?
- Does your partner know that you are engaging in such activities with another person?
- Does your partner approve of these sorts of activities and regard them as normal behavior?
- Has your partner discussed with you that what you are doing hurts them and is dishonest?
- When you are confronted on your behavior, do you get defensive?
- Do you meet with a person in secret?
If you answered “yes” to ANY of the above questions, it is highly likely that what you are doing is wrong. If you cannot be open with the person you are with or even admit to anyone else what you are doing, isn’t that a hint that it is wrong? You are breaking trust and trust and honesty are the core foundation of any relationship.They are necessary for it to thrive.
To put it into perspective, a few months ago, I was with a friend and he asked if I had a tissue or something. I told him that yes, I did and it was in my purse. He handed me my purse and I told him he could have just gotten it out. He told me that he didn’t want to go through my things. My response was that it was fine because I didn’t have anything to hide.
Now, had my friend went into my purse and I freaked out and snatched it from him, that would have been a clue that something was in my purse that I didn’t want him to see, which means I probably am doing something I shouldn’t be doing. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it would be a pretty big hint if I couldn’t tell a very close friend something and wanted to hide it.
Let’s look at a real life examples now of how people are unfaithful without touching another person.
You can have an inappropriate relationship with someone and it be construed as unfair to your partner. This goes for both men and women.
If you are in a long term and committed relationship, should you have “friends” that you keep from your partner? By this, I don’t mean that your partner will meet everyone you’ve ever talked to or hung out with, because that doesn’t always happen. If you have a group of people that you occasionally go to happy hour with from work, your significant other may never meet those people. But the thought of them meeting shouldn’t freak you out and it also shouldn’t be off the table.
It is also likely that your significant other knows that you have a group of coworkers that you on occasion have a beer with after work.
But what if there is someone that you talk to regularly and you do everything in your power to keep it from your partner? Do you only talk to or text them when your partner isn’t around? Do you keep them out of sight? (Example, you talk via Facebook, but you are not Facebook “friends.”) Do you have them listed in your phone by a false name?
Going a step further, what are you discussing with this person? Are you being flirty? Are discussing sex? In what context are you discussing sex?
Do you see what I mean? There is a level of appropriateness between friends and this should be able to occur out in the open. If you are sitting around sexting someone or having cyber or exchanging lewd photos with a person outside of the relationship, you are cheating- even if you never touch the person.
Would you tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that you regularly receiving nude photos from someone? What would their reaction be? If you did receive a nude photo without asking for it, take a moment to figure out what provoked it.
Start by asking the person why they would send the photo. Additionally, does this person know that you are in a committed relationship? If they thought it was okay to send because of the nature of your conversations, regardless if they do or do not know that you are in a relationship then you need to set things straight.
If you asked for the photo, then you need to set yourself straight. This is not normal or acceptable behavior and it is being dishonest and it will hurt your partner if they find out. Be prepared for the consequences and own up to it. You know it’s wrong and justifying it by going on the defensive or throwing things in your partner’s face or saying that you don’t understand why they’re so upset because you never touched the person just further proves how wrong you are.
Just to reiterate, this goes for both men and women. I am not singling out one gender because both are capable of doing this and I have witnessed both genders engage in this sort of relationship.
Cheating is more than sex. It is crossing boundaries and disregarding levels of appropriateness for specific relationships and situations.
Just because you’ve never touched a person doesn’t mean your actions aren’t wrong or hurtful. If you have something to hide and think it is okay, you’re being dishonest with yourself more than anyone.
I don’t feel like any of this is ground breaking information so use some common sense (if you have it). If you have to hide, you’re lying.