A Little Less Clingy, Please?

By Rachel

We have already covered the traits of the female “psycho hose beast.” But what about the qualities of the typical Stage 5 Clinger male? Oh, they do exist.

Back in 2005, I dated the guy that I had taken out of the friend zone and placed into the relationship zone. I had been there for his breakup with his long term girlfriend, and it wasn’t pretty. Man, was a she an abominable bitch- or was she? Maybe she just knew something that I didn’t.

It’s so easy to be an outsider getting one side of the story and think “This is my friend. He must really be experiencing things like he says he is.” We started hanging out a bit more it it just progressed into a relationship on its own. It didn’t take me long to figure out a few reasons why she fled. (She shouldn’t have cheated on him, I don’t condone that. But I’m just saying… I can see why she broke up with him.)

To say that he required constant attention would be an understatement. If he wasn’t commenting on my Myspace page, he was texting me, calling me, or hitting me up on AIM. (Remember, my younger readers. This was before Facebook and Twitter.) If I was out with my friends, he blew up my phone to the point where they wanted to break up with him. One day, I had plans with my best girlfriend to go shopping. He asked if I wanted to come over. I said, “Sure, I can swing by but I can probably only stay for a half hour. I have plans.” I went. I stayed the aforementioned half hour, and I left. He pleaded for me to stay longer. I repeated what I had told him on the phone and I walked out the door.

He would NOT stop texting or calling me. And the messages were fucking rude as hell about how inconsiderate I was for leaving and how he deserved my attention and blah blah blah blah blah. My friend and I were sitting in the mall parking lot and I finally picked up the phone and told him off about it and to leave me alone while I was out with my friend. He was legitimately pissed at me for leaving his house and not staying longer when he had be pre-warned that I had plans at a specific time.

I couldn’t even stomach seeing him the next day. I told him to give me some space and I’d talk to him when I had cooled off. I turned off my computer, put my phone on silent, made a bowl of popcorn with peanut M&Ms, and laid in bed watching movies. It was one of the most magnificent “Me Days” I think I have had on record. Until he showed up. With roses. Which I am allergic to (Rachel’s sinuses and most flowers don’t mix!). All on top of the fact that I am not a fan of receiving flowers, especially roses. It’s just generic and kind of thoughtless. It’s a typical “go to” to get yourself out of trouble. I appreciate a sincere apology much more! I also appreciate having me-time when I ask for it.

I just stared blankly at him for a minute and then told him to leave. He told me that he just thought I’d like something pretty to look at. Yeah, thanks. I told you I needed space because I was livid with your previous night’s actions and that I’d talk to you after I cooled down and your solution was to show up? Homie don’t play that. (I found like a shit ton of texts too once I finally checked my phone.)

I finally broke things off. I couldn’t take the fact that he had to persistently be up my ass and never just give me even so much as an hour of freedom. He actually cried when we broke up, which was the most stunning shit that has ever happened to me, especially considering that we had only been dating for like two months tops.

We went back to just being friends. Until he started going through my emails (he had my password because I had needed him to check something for me one day while I was at work. This was also before we all had smart phones). He found some emails from between me and my ex. We had been talking about getting back together and were hanging out a bit and hooked up a few times. He called me and FREAKED OUT ON ME. DUDE! We broke up!!! Why is this ANY of your business?? It’s not like I cheated on your or was even talking to him again while we were together! Fail to see where I am in the wrong here, on top of the fact that you invaded my privacy!

Then he called me a whore and I never spoke to him again. He came to my house to pick up some movies he had left there. I left everything on the porch. Absolutely no wish to look at him again! (And yes, my ex and I did get back together and stayed together for another 8 months or so before that mess ended for good.)

Where is this all going?

Men can be clingy little bitches just as much as women. And we don’t like it any more than you guys do. I mean, some women do because they like to feel needed and they have no balance between relationship and their other relationships, but that is a totally different subject that I’m sure I will cover another day.

Here is a list of “Don’t”s for guys.

1. Don’t text us off the fucking hook.- If we are out with our friends, instill some trust and faith and just let us have fun with our friends.

2. Give us some space.– If we flat out tell you we need space, give us space. Do you want us to blow up and fight with you, or talk to you later with a level head?

3. If a girl says she isn’t interested, no amount of trying to further prove yourself will make us change our minds.– No means no. If you don’t take “no” for an answer and figure we are playing hard to get, you’re wrong and you should have your nose rubbed in dog pee.

4. We don’t need to know your every move.– If you feel the need to narrate your day to me, chances are I will stop caring about your day. It doesn’t say “Four Square” on my forehead. You don’t need to check in just because you left the grocery store and stopped at the gas station.

5. Take a hint.– The same signs that you guys give to say that you aren’t interested, we do too. If we are acting disinterested, it is because we are disinterested. There is no need to keep pushing for more. Plenty of fish, guys. Re-bait your hook and try again.

6. The more you push, the more we will resist.– This goes with point 3. Stop trying to force something that isn’t there. When we say no or start acting distant, just move on. (Especially if we already tried the direct approach.)

7. I’m not your mom.– Don’t look for my constant approval on every single thing you do. Women like to know that you can 1. take care of yourself and 2. make decisions on your own. If a decision would affect me, please ask. If you just need an opinion on something, by all means, ask away. But every single time you have to so much as pick out socks, please leave me out of it.

8. There is such a thing as TOO much affection.– I love kissing and cuddling as much as the next person. But there is such thing as overkill. And when you over do it in public, I will feel like you are trying to mark your territory, which really just makes you look insecure. And in bed, guys tend to radiate heat. I love spooning or whatever for a bit, but you’re probably going to make me sweat to death and sometimes I like to sprawl a little. I just don’t need someone constantly touching and groping me. There is a happy medium where we are both receiving affection and feeling wanted, but there is no need to handcuff yourself to me.

This list works for women as well. But seriously, guys. Step back and breathe and let us breathe a little too. We don’t need to talk to you 24/7 and if we aren’t interested, we just freed you up to find someone better for you to give your time to.

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