Advance thank you to reader Kate for helping me compile this blog.
Ladies, we really need to tone down the crazy. Men of the world aren’t impressed. You know what I’m talking about: You are normal and can function socially until you label someone as either your boyfriend or the person you want to be your boyfriend. As soon as you have a guy in your sights, you go completely bat shit crazy. Obsessive. Stalker-like. You lose all sense of control, senses, and self and turn into this possessed maniac who will stop at nothing to have or keep this person.
Meanwhile, everyone around you is like “Run!!!! Run dude! Do not sleep with this woman!” (Sometimes it happens because you had a one night stand and she took it as a marriage proposal!)
Every guy in the universe has had this moment:
Women of the world: Stop this. Stop it right now.
There are a few trademarks of a Psycho Hose Beast. Indicators ring loud and clear.
1. She always likes what you like. This is her way of indicating that you have things in common, even if it is a complete lie. “Oh my GOD! You’ve been on a hiking trip in Brazil where you played soccer with rain forest children and then had to run from an anaconda? ME TOO! What are the odds?” LIAR!!!! (If you are on social media with her, she will “like” EVERYTHING. What a coincidence! I just caught my cock in my zipper too! Um, what?)
2. Everything is about this guy and how no other woman is good enough for him but you. Yes. I am quite certain out of the billions on this planet that NO ONE can make him as happy as you can. “Why can’t he just LOVE ME?!?! I don’t care how pretty and successful and nice she is. She is obviously a whore!” Right. And you’re not a completely jealous little wench.
3. She will find any reason to show up at the same place as you. “Wow, Mike! Imagine running into you at Giant Eagle on the other side of town from where I live at 1:00 in the morning. Must be fate!” <- Whack Job City.
4. She will make creepy innuendos and blatantly inappropriate advances at you no matter what the situation. She may as well just hop on your dick right in the middle of the bar. She certainly was brazen about wanting to be on it. Talking in double entendres can be funny, but if you misuse them, you come off as a fucking creeper. Even worse yet, these women typically just skip the double entendre and advance right to “Let me show you all the things I can do with my tongue.” (She’s going to do this out in front of people, mind you.)
5. If a guy says he isn’t interested, get to stepping. No amount of begging and pulling the stunts listed above will change his mind. This is especially important if a guy already has a girlfriend or tells you that he is seeing someone or interested in someone else. He has his heart invested elsewhere so just stop. You’re disrespecting him and the other person and it’s just pathetic. Do you want some chick hanging all over your guy? No? Then don’t do it to other girls.
6. Childish moves like trying to make the other girl look bad so as to raise your personal value are for middle school and high school. Don’t drudge up information that will embarrass the other girl if he already has someone in mind or tell lies about her. Don’t steal his phone and delete messages from her that he hasn’t seen or delete her number out of it. Don’t get fake drunk and hang all over him in an attempt to make something happen that if it doesn’t go well you can blame on alcohol later. Just turn off your crazy impulses.
7. If you do break up with a Psycho Hose Beast, you didn’t get rid of her. You just took her level of crazy and slammed on the accelerator. She’s going to show up. Everywhere. A friend told me a story not two days ago about a chick he dated in college. She gave him the “propose to me or I won’t sleep with you” ultimatum, so he did the normal thing and broke up with her. He said a few months down the line he is in a new apartment and there is a batch of cookies on the doorstep. How she got the address, he has no idea. Smart lad that he is, he threw the cookies away. You don’t want rohypnol cookies!
8. She is going to buy you gifts. Some inappropriate either in price or in interest. Don’t buy him a gun rack.
In conclusion, women of the world: STOP ACTING LIKE THIS. Every time you go fucking nuts over a guy, it makes the rest of us who know how to function with males look awful. Why? Because now they are waiting for us to lose our minds too!