By Rachel

I am sitting here writing in a blissful food-coma. I just had a toasted almond fudge milkshake from the Milkshake Factory on East Carson Street and a gyro from Mike and Tony’s. There is not much wrong with the world.

I brought my gyro home to enjoy, which I cannot do in peace because of my two beggar dogs. I starve them most days, so they like to sit at my feet and give me forlorn looks like Tiny Tim or Oliver. I’d like some more, please!

I give the dog a few tender and delicious pieces of lamb meat, only to receive even more downtrodden stares from him. Awwww, come on! What more do you want?!? Then, I spot it. *Throw my hands up in the air in defeat*

The dog’s dick is out. Right by my feet.

Mind you, a Mike and Tony’s gyro is totally hard-on worthy. I have my hypothetical dick out now over the meal I just ate. Oh. My. God.

Back to story though. If this thing touched my foot, I would never in my entire life stop crying. Seriously. I can see me now, donning a brand new pair of Jimmy Choos while riding a pegasus and being fed gyros by cherubs and I’d be bawling hysterically over the trauma that I would never over come.

There are videos on the internet of dumb broads fucking dogs and sucking horse cock, and I am recoiling at the thought of my dog’s red rocket grazing my bare foot. You people fucking suck at life. There is nothing- and I mean NOTHING-  funny about coming into direct contact with animal penis. How do you carry on with life?

The only thing I can think of that would be reasonably comparable as far as life trauma would be waking up with a spider in your mouth. There is some weird statistic that some pee hole floated around the universe one day that humans swallow an average of 5-7 spiders in their sleep a year.

If you wake up at like 3:00am nomming out on a spider, what do you do? I’d have to call off work. Most likely I’d take sabbatical. There would be no way in hell that I could function as a normal human for a considerable amount of time. If I look at a spider or a snake or even a grass hopper I flip out because I can almost feel them crawling on me.

There was once a spider in my room and my dog tried to get it and knocked it off of my wall. It fell between the bed and the wall. (My bed was against the wall.) I immediately grabbed my pillows and blankets and bee-lined to the couch. I didn’t even look back. The time to hesitate was through (RIP Jim Morrison).

Have you ever had a dream that is so jarring that you wake up and hallucinate from the dream? I have a recurring dream that I wake up and there is a snake in my bed. Every fucking time I scream and throw the covers off of my bed and jump out of it like an ass clown.

There are some things in life that are just far too traumatizing to recover from. If this ever happens, book me a padded room at Western Psych because there is no coming back.


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