I write quite frequently on this site about my dating misadventures. At this point in my life, I’m not sure a boyfriend fits in with my lifestyle and general schedule. Work, kid, school, homework. Yeah. I’ll be sure to pencil you in for a trip to the Cheesecake Factory sometime in between Yom Kippur and Boxing Day.
Yesterday morning, as I was struggling to reach the zipper on my dress so that I could get out the door and to work, I could have really used an extra set of hands-hands not attached to my body. I did what any working girl with a shred of common sense would do: I zipped the damn thing up as high as I could get it and threw a cardigan on and high tailed it out the door.
So I get to work and bounce into the cube of my “work best friend.”
Me: “Girl, I need your help.” I remove my cardigan and turn around to show her my conundrum. Fucking A. She laughs and zips up my dress.
My Friend: “I have the same problem with putting on bracelets only I am too proud to ask my husband for help. I’m an adult. I should be able to clasp a bracelet!”
After work, I am desperate to change into yoga pants and a tank top and the inverse of my morning problem arises. How in the hell am I supposed to unzip this dress now? I dance around and struggle to reach the zipper looking like I was trying to shake a jar full of cock roaches out of my dress. Fuck me, man. Why? Why can’t I dress myself or undress myself?
I have a friend who won’t even ask her husband for help and I am rolling around my room like a complete idiot trying to get a dress off.
“Oh my God I just need a boyfriend to help me with this shit!!!” I scream at no one.
I just need a live in boyfriend to help me with remedial tasks that I am inept at because I am not a contortionist.
This is what my need for a boyfriend has come down to:
Unzipping dresses (which really just sets them up for sex anyway)
Opening pickle jars
Lifting the couch up so that I can vacuum under it
This is what my life has come down to when it comes to relationships. Me being pissed off because I cannot open a jar or because a centipede is on the basement floor and needing backup.
If one of these assholes is around, I can’t even leave the room. I need to keep an eye on it while I scream for help. Once auxiliary aid arrives, I can direct them to the location of the little intruder and properly dispose of it.
Maybe I can just rent a guy to keep around the house to assist when these situations arise. Is that a service? If it isn’t, I’m gonna be bank rolling when I get this business going.
Ryan Lochte, you are free to apply.