My Only Use

By Rachel

I write quite frequently on this site about my dating misadventures. At this point in my life, I’m not sure a boyfriend fits in with my lifestyle and general schedule. Work, kid, school, homework. Yeah. I’ll be sure to pencil you in for a trip to the Cheesecake Factory sometime in between Yom Kippur and Boxing Day.

Yesterday morning, as I was struggling to reach the zipper on my dress so that I could get out the door and to work, I could have really used an extra set of hands-hands not attached to my body. I did what any working girl with a shred of common sense would do: I zipped the damn thing up as high as I could get it and threw a cardigan on and high tailed it out the door.

Evil.

So I get to work and bounce into the cube of my “work best friend.”

Me: “Girl, I need your help.” I remove my cardigan and turn around to show her my conundrum. Fucking A. She laughs and zips up my dress.

My Friend: “I have the same problem with putting on bracelets only I am too proud to ask my husband for help. I’m an adult. I should be able to clasp a bracelet!”

After work, I am desperate to change into yoga pants and a tank top and the inverse of my morning problem arises. How in the hell am I supposed to unzip this dress now? I dance around and struggle to reach the zipper looking like I was trying to shake a jar full of cock roaches out of my dress. Fuck me, man. Why? Why can’t I dress myself or undress myself?

I have a friend who won’t even ask her husband for help and I am rolling around my room like a complete idiot trying to get a dress off.

“Oh my God I just need a boyfriend to help me with this shit!!!” I scream at no one.

I just need a live in boyfriend to help me with remedial tasks that I am inept at because I am not a contortionist.

This is what my need for a boyfriend has come down to:

Unzipping dresses (which really just sets them up for sex anyway)
Opening pickle jars
Killing bugs
Lifting the couch up so that I can vacuum under it

This is what my life has come down to when it comes to relationships. Me being pissed off because I cannot open a jar or because a centipede is on the basement floor and needing backup.

Fuck. This.

If one of these assholes is around, I can’t even leave the room. I need to keep an eye on it while I scream for help. Once auxiliary aid arrives, I can direct them to the location of the little intruder and properly dispose of it.

Maybe I can just rent a guy to keep around the house to assist when these situations arise. Is that a service? If it isn’t, I’m gonna be bank rolling when I get this business going.

Ryan Lochte, you are free to apply.

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2 thoughts on “My Only Use

  1. I had a very similar experience trying to zip myself into a shirt, yesterday. zipper got stuck halfway up, and my hubby had already left for work. I was kicking myself for not getting him to zip me up before he left the house. It took me about 5 minutes of struggling, but i finally got it unstuck and zipped. We also went through a “pest control” issue tonight when hubby managed to catch a tiny gecko on the wall, under a tupperware container. It was a 2 person job to shove a piece of paper between the wall and container to get the gecko out of the house. I think you’d make some serious money on that boyfriend rental service.

  2. you are over-thinking on this one, and your solution may not even be a solution in the end…lol. Here is what I REALLY think:
    1. Unzipping dresses: try bending a wire into proper shape to get the job done. If this doesn’t work, go to your auto parts store and look for retrival tools, hooks, and extended clamps.

    2. Opening pickle jars: You should be able to buy a levereage strap tool to open a jar. If this doesn’t work go to your auto parts store and find a oil filter wrench thats fits your style.

    3. Killing bugs: defense is the best offense. Pick up Ortho home defense Max and spray around the perimeter. If this doesn’t work, try a propane torch.

    4. Lifting the couch up so that I can vacuum under it: Pull out scissor jack from spare tire compartment of your car. For a more elegant solution, consider permanently installing a manual screw jacks for your couch. You can go little fancy and go with air or hydraulic jacks, but you may not like the maintenance aspect of it.

    Good luck!

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