Irrational Me

By Rachel

Everyone has irrational thoughts and fears. It is natural. I think there is something loose in my brain though that makes me a bit more over the top than others.  I wish I could explain how my brain works, and not from a biological standpoint. I earned an A in Anatomy and Physiology and in all of my psych classes. I am well aware of how a brain functions and lives. But much like Lucas from Empire Records, I want to answer people’s questions with “Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear!”

It is the only way I can legitimately answer people when they don’t understand where my logic hails from.

So here are some of the things that make me irrational:

1. I am terrified of elevators.
No, I am not afraid that it will plummet to the basement of a building or be blown up by Dennis Hopper before Keanu Reeves can rescue me. I am afraid that my heel will get caught in that gap between the elevator floor and the ground and the door will smash me.

I may risk elevator explosion if Keanu in his Speed years was on call.

I have harbored this fear for six years (since I have worked in downtown Pittsburgh). In the past six months, it freaking happened. For real. It happened. My fear wasn’t so irrational after all!

I didn’t get smashed, but my heel did get caught as I stepped out of the elevator. I was able to quickly dislodge it before our extremely dangerous elevators crushed me and sent me flying up to the 30th floor in pieces. It’s possible. Our elevator sensors care not if your arm is holding the door open for a coworker. They’ll get you. They don’t give a shit.

 2. Nail pain is the worst of all.
I have a hangnail today. It is killing me. I mean I want to vomit.

Nail pain is bullshit. Broken nails that tear down too far, hangnails, torn cuticles- all horrible. There is a reason the mob tortures you by tearing off nails. The mere thought of it and I can feel chunks rising in my throat.

I would rank the pain in my nail right now at roughly 60% more intense than being in labor. Childbirth was a fuckin breeze. Know when I could use an epidural? Fucking now. In my hand.

3. If I turn my head during a baseball game I’m going to catch a line drive to the dome.
You’ll never see me look at the people behind me in a ball game. Gateway to concussion #3. Think a ball will never come at me? HA! I got a homerun ball at a Pirate game last season.

Yes. That is me. Projectiles are a menace.

BOOM. Baseballs DO fly at your head! I know. I got my first concussion in high school while playing softball.

4. If I crowd surf at a concert I’m going to get molested.
It’s happened to girls. I will never do it. Also: skirts are no place for a mosh pit.

Your vag is in jeopardy here, lady.

5. All snakes want to eat me.
About 5 years ago I was living in the Midwest. The county park was just a few blocks from my apartment. Gorgeous park! The walking trails were nicely shaded by trees and ran parallel to a creek that had little dips and falls and was knee deep in some places. The water was crystal clear. I used to walk my dog 4-5 miles a day twice a day in that park, in the morning before work and then again after dinner.

Sometimes after dinner we would go in the creek and I’d let Havoc splash around. My boyfriend at the time knew how afraid of snakes I was. He used to always tease me that a snake was in a tree or on the side of the trail and naturally I would flip out. Then, one evening, I had the dog out on the creek and I was standing on the rocks in the middle. SPLASH!

HUGE cottonmouth snake lands at my feet after falling from the tree above. Like Jesus, I walked on water. More accurately, I ran on water and ran faster than I ever have in my life. I don’t care what type of snake it is. All of them want to kill me. This one just happened to be venomous. In the case of any snake, I am not sticking around long enough to find out what type it is.

No joke. Was in tears when I did the Google Image Search for this.

Fuck. Snakes.

6. If my whole body is on my bed, nothing can hurt me.
Yeah…I still turn my light off and leap into my bed. Don’t care. Arms and legs do not dangle over the side of my bed all willy nilly. That’s freakin suicide. A finger over the edge is inches between life and death.

7. Showering at home by myself is a death sentence.
Nothing terrifies me more than showering when I am at home alone. If I have to shower and no one is in the house but me, you bet your ass all doors are secure. I have no wish to be murdered and/or violated in my shower.

Shower time is my happy time. It’s soothing. There is little in life better than standing there letting hot water run over you. I will not have this ruined by an intruder if I can help it.

There is nothing funny about this shower curtain. I hope whomever designed it has their cock cut off in the shower.

So there you have it. The paired down list of things that I really do think about that are among my top fears. (Ferrets register high on this list as well.) While most people fear losing everything they have in a fire or their plane crashing, I am terrified of elevators and crowd surfing.

Laugh all you want. Just don’t cry to me when someone grabs your vag at a concert.


3 thoughts on “Irrational Me

  1. Welp, I feel the same about spiders as you do snakes.After 23 years in the military I can tell you some stories about me and spiders, camping and what crawls around in the desert. I\’ll spare us both. Fukk. Spiders. I\’m also the TOTAL opposite at bed time. I HAVE to have SOMETHING hanging off the bed. A toe, an elbow – anything. I feel suffocated if I\’m totally on the bed, that\’s pretty irrational no? Sometimes when I was little I\’d wake up with one leg almost totally on the floor as if I fell asleep crawling into bed after prayers or something. I\’ve grown not to care in the shower in the house by myself as I\’ve learned to kill with my bare hands. Okay that\’s only in my head but still. Bet I could do it. Other than that my only real fear is living alone under a bridge eating cat food in my golden years. So my goal is either the lottery or dying young! We\’re all a little irrational. My friend is terrified of silk/satin and greasy oily things like baby oil. So that whole fly ball thing, not so bad eh?

    • The funniest part of that was that it happened at my first game in over 5 years. I had been boycotting Pirate games on principle since Nutting runs the place like the mob.

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