From yesterday’s post, the question was asked of me on Twitter how one identifies a “good girl” to date.
Unfortunately, I have no magic answers. Each date you go on and relationship you go through, you must take what happened that caused it to go awry and learn from it. Looking back on every relationship I have had, there were major red flags and signs that told me I should have bailed earlier.
No one wants to admit that a relationship “failed.” I despise the term “failed” when it comes to a relationship ending. Is is not a greater success in life that you didn’t continue to stay in a relationship that wasn’t right for you and the other person? There is no shame in admitting you are wrong for one another. Honestly, if I had used any common sense or listened to my instincts, my relationship with my son’s father would have ended far before I ever got pregnant. (I’ll never regret that though because my son is the best thing that could ever have happened to me.)
However, look at what the situation is now because I didn’t ignored my brain when the red lights started flashing, telling me to abandon ship. I am raising a child alone, wonderful as he may be.
We all ignore the tell tale signs that say “this person isn’t right for you!” We do it because we fear failure, because we hate being alone, and because no one wants to break someone’s heart.
My last blog touched on the girls you DEFINITELY need to stay away from. If a girl is putting herself out there for the whole world to get in on the action and it isn’t her job (for example: model, actress, etc.) then it is likely that she doesn’t mind you sharing. YOU mind sharing, but she doesn’t. She needs attention like she needs air and water and if you don’t give her the attention she demands, broken heart city for you.
The key to finding a good girl is to stop going after the drunken girl who is constantly falling all over the place with her panties hanging out of her mini skirt, the girl with porn star makeup, and all of the other girls who are pretty and definitely a sure thing.
Not all overly hot women are whores. Most are extremely nice women. Some average looking women or women with the whole “girl next door, wholesome” look are complete twats. The key is watching how they conduct themselves, how they carry themselves, and most importantly, listening to what they say. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Live your words.
All women (and men!) are going to insist that they are “nice”. Isn’t that the main selling point? That you are a good person and would NEVER do something screwed up to the person in front of you? Don’t take anyone’s word for it. It is up to you to meet a person and based on that first impression, decide if they are worth the risk of finding out through their actions if they are the person you perceive them to be.
Society dictates that attractive people are nice, funny, positive, people and that the less desirable in attraction must have something wrong with them. They must have extreme personality flaws. Nothing could be further from the truth, and subconsciously we all fall prey to this mentality.
The more you begin to like a person for their personality, the more attractive they become to you. So guys, stop automatically going for the trophy wife and look at the other extremely beautiful and naturally pretty women around you. It won’t make you better than that dude in middle school who was a dick to you to trounce around town with a 10 point model if that skank is cheating on you and laughing at you behind you back because you worship her.
Here are some qualities in a keeper:
She offers to pay and at times insists that she pay.- This tells you that she isn’t needy and after you for money and material possessions. On the first date, she will at the very least reach for her purse when the bill comes. She doesn’t feel entitled to you buying her things, which means she has a sense of independence which will help you in other areas of the relationship.
She doesn’t get pissed if you talk to another girl.– Being secure and confident is important. If she sees you talking to another female on Facebook or in person and freaks out on you, let this be a red flag. You very may well be talking to you sister or a life long friend and she needs to understand and appreciate that there will be other women in your life just as you need to respect the other men in her life. She needs to not be threatened by and psychotic over every female that you talk to. This will give her cause for “Two can play at that game” and that is immature and unnecessary drama. A secure woman will respect the relationships you have outside of the one you have with her.
She has nothing to hide.– If she is always truthful and is trustworthy, then she will never have a problem explaining herself without getting defensive (as long as YOU approach topics carefully and with sensitivity and understanding). There will always be miscommunication and confusion in a relationship. If you cannot express these concerns with her without her playing defense and throwing things in your face to take the attention off of her, get rid of her.
She has no problem with you meeting her friends-especially her guy friends!– This goes back to trust and having nothing to hide. Don’t demand to know her male friends, but if you NEVER meet any of these guys who are just friends and you have been together for more than 6 months, you have every right to gently nudge her. “Hey, I’ve heard so much about Matt and he seems like a cool guy. Why don’t we invite him and a few other friends out for drinks this weekend?” If she insists you cannot meet him or is visibly freaked out by this (or dismisses the idea with a bunch of excuses) then something is up.
She isn’t up your ass constantly– You need to have a life outside of one another for your own health and sanity and the health of the relationship. If you can’t enjoy a night out with your friends without her texting/calling constantly, then there is a problem.
It is all about reading the other person and not dismissing your gut feelings. Do NOT be blinded by beauty, sex, and lust. Look for someone who will meet you half way, who you enjoy some common interests with, but who will let you be you. If you can’t love you for you and is constantly trying to change you, make you feel guilty about you having time for yourself, and doesn’t respect your space and privacy, move on.