Surviving Zombie Apocalypse

By Rachel

In light of recent events, it may be time for me to seriously consider my strategy for survival when zombies take over. It took the police SIX BULLETS to get a guy to stop eating another man’s face off! SIX!!!!!!!! Another guy ate his roommate’s heart and brain and another guy cut open his abdomen and then threw pieces of his own intestines at the police. I don’t even know how to respond to that! How does that happen?

Shit is going down and soon. There is no other explanation.

After watching two seasons of The Walking Dead, I have put much thought into what type of people I would want in my group as I work to survive, as well as what my tactics and principles would be. At the time it seemed like fruitless effort planning all of this, but now that it takes six bullets to take down a guy who is eating another guy, I’m more pleased with my wayward thoughts.

I’ve determined that there are certain personality types and classifications of people that must be with me, as well as people that I will have zero use for. Of course there are caveats to everything.

People I Need In My Group:

1. Survivor Man, Les Stroud
This guy is like the MacGuyver of the camping world. He has survival instincts and tricks that we will need while traveling off of the beaten trail.

2. Red Jacket Firearms owner, Will Hayden
This guy knows and has fire power. Someone with his expertise, shooting abilities, and creativity will prove useful for combat. Plus, you know he has some insane weaponry that will be of great use and fun as hell to play with!

3. Tom Cruise
Don’t laugh. Tom Cruise is one knock to the head shy displacing himself into a parallel universe.  You need someone crazy in your group. Why? Because there are different types of crazy. Tom is the type we need. He believes his own bullshit and if there are zombies, he may be able to power up and go Oprah Couch on some walkers, running across their heads like Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat, just smashing the shit out of skulls.  He may also know some sort of Scientology trick that can harness some alien force that may suck up the zombies and spit them out on a different planet.

4. The Entire Cast of Jersey Shore
You need people who can act as collateral damage. If there is a major invasion of walkers in your camp, there are people that just need to be pushed into the chaos. Don’t sacrifice them all at once and choose carefully the order in which you offer up your dead weight.

You’re All Fucked.

5. Sarah Palin
Okay,  Sarah Palin is a wild card. She can shoot and hunt for food and cook. She is used to big game hunting and can help the group survive in cold conditions. She also knows how to fish. Yes. The former governor has survival skills. Additionally, she has maternal instincts and would likely wail out on some walkers to save children. The problem is, we may have to remove her voicebox. I am a fan of the things she did in her state with the government, but I don’t know that I could listen to her for very many days or weeks. The other downside is her religious beliefs. What if she refuses to kill zombies on moral grounds?

Dinner is served!

6. Dr. Sanjay Gupta
He is on tv enough that we know he knows a thing or two about medicine. We need medical help. Period.

Those are the specific people I need. Character wise, I also need people with the following traits:
Athletic: speed, agility, preferably some sort of martial arts training, and definitely strength
Cunning: outsmart, outwit
Gun Toters: 2nd Amendment comes in handy. You need guns and ammo and people who know  how to use them. Additionally, someone who can use a bow and arrow, knives, and other silent weapons will be necessary.

People who are disposable:

Overly religious: You cannot survive zombie apocalypse dragging around people who are unwilling to help kill zombies because “Zombies are people too and they are still children of God!”

People who do not believe in the philosophy of “Survival of the Fittest.”

Carl- Fuck that kid!

The elderly- sorry (not sorry). Okay, a bit sorry. I’d probably take my grandfather though because he is a bad ass. Guys who fought in wars are acceptable. Anything from Vietnam through today’s wars would be good. I’m talking people who actually saw combat, especially guerrilla warfare. Let’s face it- we won’t be traveling in cities much. Too dangerous.

Someone with an exorbitant amount of children… the Duggars are another wild card. At least we know we don’t have to worry about any of them getting knocked up. Well, all but the mother. We can only pray that she and Mr. Duggar can convert to condom users. However, I think some of their kids know how to make soap. Necessary unless we are able to successfully loot a Walmart or Rite Aid.

My main goal is to make it to an island. So if we can get a pilot into our group, that’s fantastic. Boats can also be useful. If we can secure good fuel supplies, traveling via boats along river systems as much as possible is ideal and pretty damn safe. I figure somewhere in the Florida Keys would be ideal. If we can eliminate all zombies from the island (if anyone on the island is even affected) we may be okay. However, it is not known if zombies can 1.swim or 2. walk under water along the floor of said body of water. Risky, but likely your best chance.

If I saw a barrage of walkers emerging from the ocean up onto the shore I’d shit a brick.

My other plan, would be Arctic conditions. Remote locations in Alaska or Canada. Somewhere survivable. Once again, not sure how zombies fair in extreme cold.

Supplies are of utmost importance:
Guns, guns, guns. Ammo, ammo, ammo.
First aid supplies and medicines
TP
Hygiene products (toothpaste, soap, tampons, etc)
Food that provides energy, keeps long, and will help keep your blood sugar up: granola, dried fruits like cranberries and raisins, nuts, whole grain crackers, popcorn kernals, jerkey.
Containers for boiling water and iodine tablets for disinfecting water
Basic tools
Candles, matches, flint
Binoculars
Knives/Swiss Army knife
Flashlights and batteries
Battery operated radio
Gas cans
Pop-up tent
Sleeping bag/blankets
Extra clothes
May as well throw condoms into the mix in case you are like Lori from The Walking Dead and can’t fight urges or ask the dude to at least pull out.

Wrap it up,assholes.

**Side Note** I haven’t read the graphic novel for The Walking Dead, but as a fan of the show, I hope Lori’s zombie baby eats its way out of her stomach. Bitch.

And know that anything can be a weapon! Don’t be afraid to go straight up Casey Jones on a mother fucker. A Jose Canseco bat may be your best friend in Zombie Apocalypse.

Since we know that Zombie Apocalypse is upon us, it is time to go into training mode. Cardio. Get your endurance up. Get your strength up, especially upper body strength. Push-ups, ladies. Push ups. Climbing may be essential. Running is DEFINITELY something you need to do!

The size of your group is where things get tricky. You need people with various skills and you need to distribute work to such as food hunting/gathering, patrolling, looting, scouting, washing clothes, fetching water, etc. But you don’t want so many people that it is hard to travel, especially at the drop of a hat. You also need to be aware of competing personality types and strategies. Things can get really messy over who is “in charge” as well.

Group dynamic will make or break you in Zombie Apocalypse. The normal rules of engagement, living, courtesy, humanity no longer apply. Be prepared. Be strong. And don’t forget to trip The Situation on your way out of an invasion.

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