How To Survive the Oregon Trail

By Rachel

Oregon Trail may be one of the greatest childhood “learning” games of all time. If you’re from my generation, it is likely that 20 years since you were first introduced to the game that taught you what dysentery was, you are still telling Oregon Trail jokes.

Now, the Oregon Trail was an actual trail that spanned the continental United States. It started in Oregon City and ended in Independence, Missouri (near present day Kansas City).

Educational Tool

What is there to do on the Oregon Trail? Well…you can ride in a ¬†covered wagon, get bitten by a snake, break your arm, or suffer from cholera. It is a very pleasant journey. Maybe they played stick ball or release the den at night around the campfire? Perhaps sing some of Journey’s greatest hits? Who knows! But hundreds of days on a dusty trail and I’d be praying that one of my family members got bitten by a rattle snake.

There is only one way for a single gal to survive the Oregon Trail. You have to go whore.

That’s right. Trollop of the Trail is the key to survival and not murdering someone in their sleep. Meet me in Chimney Rock for a good time.

There’s nothing to do. No fun little souvenir shops or White Castles along the way, so why not head down to the creek at night for a skinny dip and “accidentally” get caught by that sexy farm hand from the next caravan over?

Dear God, tell me Tristan is on this journey!

Hey. Who says bartering can’t be fun?

Honestly, have you seen the clothes from the 1800s? People complain about showing clevage these days. Man…breasts were all the rage in the 1800s. I’d have raided Scarlett O’Hara’s wardrobe and hit the town!

Hello, Captain Butler!

Whoring it up is the only way. No shame. Has to be done. What the hell else are you going to do for fun? Live it up. Find a cowboy and enjoy your sexy, forbidden trysts in the moonlight.

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